(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all though my kitchen
Was cuisine of all kinds
Quite a bit — not a smidgen
The counter was covered with
Pies, turkey, and ham
And up on the stovetop
Ten pounds candied yams
Near a huge chocolate Santa
Lay Hanukkah gelt
Treats for my Jewish friends
'twould be appreciated, I felt
Eggnog in glasses
Filled with spiced rum
I downed several cupfuls
My downfall’s begun
Cookies and nut rolls
And cakes of all kinds
I thought of my diet
But paid it no mind
Like a shopper after Christmas
I'm off on a mission
To rid future temptation
I’d empty the kitchen
First came the carving
Of drumstick and thigh
Giant mounds of potatoes
Next piled quite high
I downed a whole bird
The seasoning and such
And turned toward the casseroles
“That's really not much.”
First a scoop, then a ladle
A bowl, and then four
I inhaled them quickly
And went back for more
On the table were sauces
And dressings made of nut
At the instant I ate them
Came pressure in my gut
So I paused for a moment
I needed some air
So much more to savor
This doesn't seem fair
I thought about stopping
These holiday dishes
Brown gravies, white sauces
They’re just so delicious
My belt it was stretching
My pants were too tight
But leaving these goodies
Was certainly not right
Just one more small taste
And then off to bed
When then I did spy
Cookies - part green and part red
Star-shaped and snowflakes
All covered with sweet
A great way to finish
After twelve pounds of meat
I reached for the cookies
To put more food in
When suddenly I saw him
Dressed in red, with a grin
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" came his bellow
Then he saw what I ate
Every pan now was empty
And so were the plates
My stomach was bulging
My pants set to split
I felt really awful
Whether I stand or I sit
I wanted to be friendly
But couldn't make a sound
I needed full focus
Just to hold it all down
He stared quite intently
His smile, it was tacit
And said, "Here's your gift"
Eight gallons of antacid
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Night Before Christmas
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