Like so many thoroughbreds exploding onto the track at Churchill Downs, the gates have burst wide and the race to resolutions has begun. “Here we go again!” was first out but is already off the pace. “This Time It’ll Be Different” is fading quickly, but, the across the board favorite “Throw in the Towel” is once again moving up rapidly on the inside.

Alas, ‘tis January, and we have entered the silly season.

Barely two weeks ago, it was difficult to find a parking space at the mall — but no longer. Rather, it’s simpler than locating one at the health club. TV ads no longer tempt with sugary visions of chocolaty treats, opting to substitute video of hard-bodied men and bikini-clad women sweating to the latest exercise DVD available for three easy payments of $19.95. Interviews with specialists pontificating on the best value in gym memberships have supplanted chefs who provided recipes for holiday goodies. Store windows are now chock-a-block bloated with displays of diet pills, quick smoking solutions, and self-help books.

If you, like me, grow weary at this annual festival of advice; fret not, as it’ll be as long gone as last year’s chocolate Hanukkah gelt come Valentine’s Day. My question is, since it never works, “Why do we keep doing it?”

Oh sure, we’re a pretty self-critical bunch; never totally content with our lot in life. Lose a few pounds, get fit, spend more time with the family, work less, earn more, tuck this, grow that… it’s a never-ending catalog of imperfections. Yet, we can work on those any time. Why don’t we? Instead, every January, on the heels of two months of hedonistic over-indulgence, we stop for a moment to take self-inventory. After getting past the depression that follows such an unhappy assessment, we courageously commit to change every single solitary individual behavior that makes us feel sad or look bad. Within weeks — sometimes merely days — we’re exhausted by too much change in too short of a time, gorge on Valentine’s candy, and give up, proclaiming, “There’s always next year.”

Ready to break the cycle? It’s much simpler than expected.

As a New Year’s public service, I present a four-step-plan to a happier you.

1. Now is the time, whenever “now” is. When the spirit moves you, don’t wait; not until next Monday, next month, or even until tomorrow. When the desire to change hits is when we’re most inspired — and it might not last. Don’t waste that opportunity.
2. The larger the commitment (call it a “resolution” if you absolutely must), the more support necessary. Not only are you altering your own behaviors — but you’re forcing those around you to change how they interact with you. Recognize that, as well as their feelings in this process. Tell them what you want to do – and build support. Oh yeah, it’s also good to remind yourself that if you could do it on your own, you already would have.
3. The simpler the change, the more likely its success. For example, if your goal is to exercise more, it makes more sense to promise you’ll walk a block every day — and really do it — then it does to swear you’re going to run a mile, but never get around to it.
4. Setbacks are not failures. The process of change is a few steps forward interspersed with several stumbles. Like anything else you’ve mastered (career, relationships, skills), it’s not linear upward growth. You’ll fall down; count on it. Ask yourself what tripped you up, and then repeat steps one to three as necessary with overcoming that as your next goal.

About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is the CRP (Chief Recovering Perfectionist) of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com, a website to support folks frustrated with making promises and ready to make a change in a supportive environment. Sign up for his free newsletter at the site or at facebook.com/thistimeimeanit. Enjoy and share his playful TEDx talk, “Finding Happiness as an Imperfect Being” at http://bit.ly/ScottsTEDx

 

How Your Emotions Can Affect Long-Term Change

Between the covers of the business book currently on my nightstand, the author devotes few pages to discussing cash flow or spreadsheets, while much ink is dedicated to changing one’s thoughts about money. It is her premise that our income basically determined more by how we think than by the actions we take. Of course, those considerations then produce behaviors, which lead to results. Therefore, if we “dig down” and adjust them, we will do what we do in an altered manner. This provides fresh results improving our business.

In effect, change your thoughts; change your financial life.

The barricade is our ol’ buddy, Denial.

Thought patterns, much like a river cutting a path through granite, our etched into our psyche over time, with much repetition. To refashion such embedded patterns takes a great deal of effort — and it’s not like we’re not busy already, right? Besides, “there’s always tomorrow.”

The author suggests that such transformation only occurs once “we’re hit by a two-by-four.” Of course, she’s speaking figuratively, not literally. (I hate it when people say “literally” when they mean “figuratively.” Sorry, pet peeve…)

Let me expand: Suppose you’re in a floundering relationship. You didn’t get there overnight; it began subtly, “the small things.” For example, you don’t talk as much. “It’s no big deal,” you think, “We’re just busy right now.” That might be accurate; having said that, “something” still feels off. But, you put it to back burner until you have more evidence — or time.

After awhile, your “couple’s time” becomes more sparse. You are roommates more than partners, on parallel tracks with no intersections. Logically, you can explain it away. “We’ve both got so much on our plates; things will get back to normal soon.” No action taken.

Soon, intimacy, in all its forms, has become a memory. There is now real distance, even a bit of resentment. Nobody brings anything up; you’re not even sure you want to broach the subject. Also, the chasm is now an additional barrier. Oh sure, you’re thinking about “making some changes” when things settle down. For now, it’s “stay the course.”

Then comes the two-by-four: He wants “out.”

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” he says, in a difficult, unexpected (?), conversation. “We’ve grown apart.”

It’s a pattern experienced by millions of couples. Despite the warnings, and their ever-increasing appearances, we are able to rationalize what’s going on, while denying what we felt. Therefore, for most, it takes getting slammed upside the head with a brick (again, “figuratively”) before we do what must be done. This is in any facet of our lives, from our relationships to diets to finance.

Newton’s first law of motion says that a body in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an external force. In effect, we will do what we do until, painfully; we can no longer deny the results of our actions. Once at that place, we are so overwhelmed, that it seems an insurmountable problem and we remain stagnant in unhappiness.

First of all, it is not undefeatable if we break it into small steps, and engage in them with regularly and immediacy.

That stated, it’s still healthier to avoid that unhappy condition by understanding the urgency of emotions when it comes to moving forward. Look at it this way; our feelings are the gasoline fueling the engine; logic is then the steering wheel. Without the first, we’re going nowhere. Without the latter, we’re out of control. Developing both is essential to leading a happy, well-adjusted life.

About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is a professional speaker and the CDO of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com, a website for people and organizations who are frustrated with making promises and are ready to make a change. Sign up for his free newsletter at the site or friend him at facebook.com/thistimeimeanit. He is also available for coaching and speaking engagements at 707.442.6243 or scottq@scottqmarcus.com.

Why wait?

When I was a pup, a coveted “grown up treat” was staying up with my father to watch “Gunsmoke,” (the longest running weekly TV show in history; 655 episodes from 1955-1975 for trivia buffs).

The character of Festus Haggen, performed by Ken Curtis, was an unusual fellow, whose entire family may have possessed “fewer than 32 teeth among them,” as described by one reviewer. He was Illiterate, habitually incoherent, and fiercely loyal to Marshall Dillon, whom he considered one of his two best friends (the other was his mule). During one particularly grueling episode Festus exclaimed, “I wish it was Sunday so I could take a bath!”

Confused, I questioned my father, “Why can’t he take a bath today?”

“He only bathes on Sundays.”

“What if he gets dirty on Monday or Thursday?”

Replied my impatient father, “Do you want to watch the show or go to bed?” (Which was his not-so-subtle way of saying, “Be quiet.”)

As the world turns (no TV reference implied but I admit I’m pleased with utilizing the phrase), we arrive at yet another January, providing many an opportunity to put into action long delayed changes; saying, in effect, “I’m glad it’s the New Year so I can finally lose weight.”

I admire anyone beginning the punishing pathway to personal reconstruction; however, why the preoccupation with repeating a pattern every January first, only to give up like a nervous TV executive canceling a sitcom two weeks into its schedule? Yes, January makes sense; a new year is an excellent time to reaffirm direction for life’s coming chapter. Yet, it is merely another earthly revolution around its axis. Choose any of 365.

For example, Korean New Year, Hangul, is the first day of their lunar calendar, and the most important of the traditional Korean holidays, lasting three days. It usually occurs in February, providing a refreshed opportunity for resolve just as motivation and the hectic pace of the American holidays begin to wane. Why not start early February?

Or, what about Gudi Padwa, one of the most auspicious days of the Hindu year, believed to be the day that Lord Brahma created the world? In that culture, it is viewed as a time to wipe the slate clean and make a new start, arriving this year in April. Whether that allows us to delay our personal promises three months beyond January or have yet another opportunity to set them in motion is a function of one’s determination.

Should April slip past, Rosh Hashanah the beginning of Jewish New Year, is usually celebrated in September. The Chinese use a different time of year also. By setting one’s vows in the fall or spring, he or she could have a jump start on next year’s January rush. It might also be argued that since those two cultures have a combined 10,475 years on their calendars, compared to a little over 2000 for us, maybe autumn, rather than winter, is more apropos for change?

Selecting specific dates does not ensure the motivation for change will arrive per schedule. To rightly conquer one’s demons, experience the enthusiasm of new beginnings, and put to bed the regret of lost days, there is no time like this moment, right now. Should it pass, another opportunity immediately follows; no need to wait.

One of these days

One of these days, I'm going to get back on track with my diet. Really. I'll burst out of bed inspired, invigorated, and enthused. I'll clear the kitchen, throw out the junk food, pull out my motivational books, and start weighing, measuring, and monitoring anything that crosses my lips. No crumb of cuisine will be too trivial to escape my scrutiny. Yep, that's the way you lose weight you know. One of these days, boy am I going to get my eating act together! I'm just so busy right now.

Someday soon I've got to start exercising. I could wake up earlier, strap on some tunes, and stroll around the block. It's just so warm in bed, and I've been waiting for the rain to stop; my raincoat is so old, I'd look silly walking around town in it. I'm looking forward to a patch of blue sky so I can get back out there.

Just as soon as I can get around to it, I need to start a journal. I've been organizing my thoughts - even thinking about jotting down a few notes. I considered using a yellow-lined pad, but I really want to keep my thoughts and feelings for years. Recording something so important on any old bland notebook would be tacky, so I'm toying with buying a deluxe, leather-bound journal - maybe even an expensive pen. When I can put away a few dollars, I'm so there.

In a little while, I think I'll even go again to my meetings. It's just, well, you know how it is: holidays, travel, celebrations... who can control themselves with goodies everywhere? A slip-up here, some sloppiness there - boom - eight pounds! I almost went back last week, except it's so embarrassing to keep putting on the same pounds - so I'll knock them off first, and then head back. In a few weeks, it'll be a better time anyway.

One of these days real soon, I'll get it all together. I've been planning it a long time; I just want to make sure I do it right, no mess-ups allowed. So I'm waiting until life settles down before I get started. Let me tell you though, when the time is perfect, there's no stopping me.

I can feel it coming, one of these days, real soon, right about the corner...

About the author: Scott "Q" Marcus, THINspirational speaker and author lost 70 pounds over 14 years ago. He has a free motivational e-zine at www.THINspiration.com. His book, THE SHADE OF TREE IS THE VERY BEST SHADE THERE IS, is available at www.ShadeOfATree.com. He can be reached for presentations or comments at 707.442.6243 or scottq@THINspiration.com.

Special Series on Motivation & Inspiration

Last year, I ran a five part series in my newspaper column all about motivation and how to get it, where it comes from, etc. It's appropriate for the beginning of the new year so if you'd like to see it, follow this link.

Unfortunately, Blogger puts in in reverse chronological order so if you want to read it in the order it was originally released, scroll to the bottom and go up. It doesn't make a whole lot of difference, but if you like things the way they were delivered, be aware.

Stamina over speed

Last in a special series on the mental and emotional adjustments required for long-term change.

Anyone could tell she was annoyed with the result. Although she lost weight from the previous week, her irritation was palpable.

"One quarter of a pound? Four lousy ounces!" She continued to stare at the scale. "I exercised. I wrote everything down; I even stayed away from the hors d'oeuvres at the office party. This is too slow. I won't hit my right weight until I'm 60!"

Standing down from the platform, I heard her grumble as she snatched her purse, "Who needs this frustration?" With those final words, she stormed from the meeting. The next time she came to a meeting, she weighed 43 pounds more than when she had left - and was three years closer to the "dreaded" age of sixty.

At times it is difficult to remember that "slower is faster than never."

Few events are more exasperating than diligently following a plan, faithfully monitoring your efforts, expecting breathtaking rewards, and ending up feeling punished for the effort. Hope vanishes, motivation evaporates, and the seductive siren song of harmful habits slyly lures us off track. After all, rarely does one give up when all is doing well.

Success requires enduring many such indignities; it involves making a lifestyle - not temporary - change. Logically, we know that "lifestyle change" must last... well, er, um ... a lifetime (hence the term). Emotionally however, we want to experience all the payback without making the required investment. As a further analogy, we crave the benefits of wisdom without enduring the exposure to life.

It does not work that way. The process will not be rushed; it must be fully experienced.

Success is more likely when we understand the benefits begin immediately; we do not have to wait to enjoy them until we get "there." To the contrary, that magical land where temptation is non-existent and motivation is ever present is fantasy; there is no better prescription for failure than betting the farm on such unrealistic expectations.

Those who obtain their goals are still faced with the same temptations and frustrations as those of us still striving for our objectives. What differs is they persevere through rough periods by changing focus, not by ignoring the delay.

Setbacks cannot be avoided. Although it might not feel so in the moment, each one presents an opportunity to understand the process, ourselves, and make the adjustments necessary for long-term, SUSTAINED change.

At those crossroads, look back, not ahead. The future is always unknown, yet the road already traveled - no matter how short the journey - is lined with accomplishments: some small, others more significant.

Motivation returns when the focus changes.

NOTE: Next, we're back to the usual variety of rants, musings, and insights (such as they are) of weight loss, habit change, and other acts of faith.

Believe it

Next in a series on the mental and emotional adjustments required for long-term change

The famous early-twentieth century escape artist, Harry Houdini, traveled the countryside, locking himself in jails, only to escape, as a method of furthering his reputation (and increasing his audiences). As the story goes, there was only one chamber from which he could not free himself.

Houdini entered the fateful cell and began his usual routine once the iron bars clanged shut. From his belt, he removed a concealed piece of metal utilized to pick locks, and set about as he had done countless times before. Whereby every previous security device had soon swung open, he could not achieve the desired results on this occasion.

Finally, after laboring for hours, bathed in sweat and exhausted, Houdini collapsed in frustration against the cell door, defeated. As he fell against it, it swung wide - it was unlocked the entire time.

Because Houdini believed he was trapped, he was. So too are we ensnared by our beliefs.
If I do not believe I can lose "those extra pounds," all the forces of Heaven and Earth cannot force success upon me. It matters not the number of "experts" and self-help gurus who ply me with easy-to-follow step-by-step instructions, exercise plans, or medical research.

As example, if after losing 12 pounds, I have a temporary setback of two pounds, I will see that as validation of what I already "knew": that I cannot lose weight.

"It was only a matter of time," I'll say to myself. "I knew it couldn't last."

Beliefs influence feelings; therefore defeated and despondent, I think, "Why am I wasting my time?" From thoughts come actions; in this case that would be getting off the scale, tossing my diet materials in the trash, and deciding to give up for now. I revert to old habits. My losses evaporate, my bulks returns.

The final consequence is my beliefs are again validated and the cycle resumes.

The reality about weight loss is that it is not a linear downward progression, even for the ultra dedicated and diligent. Rather, it is a learned skill, trial and error. Successful weight loss is actually losing more weight than one gains; down four pounds, up one, down three, up two. (Picture a stock market chart from a downward Bear market and you get an accurate concept.)

If my belief is that periodic gains are part of the process, I will still feel frustrated and saddened by the setback, but shall continue the course, possibly making some corrections. Two pounds are two pounds; resulting actions differ only because underlying beliefs do.

What we say to ourselves become our beliefs; if they work, they are of value to us. If not, it is vital we change them.

Believe me.

Shrinking it down

Next in a series on the mental and emotional adjustments required for long-term change

I believe in the basic goodness of people.

Because of that, my feelings towards most are benevolent; I cut people some slack, assist the downtrodden when possible, and experience a general contentedness with life. The result is, on the whole, people treat me well and I feel fortunate. (Although I periodically forget, so you might need to remind me.)

Because I believe, I act. Actions cause results, which feed into - or work against - my beliefs. In that process is another of the great circles of life.

Beliefs are the bedrock of who we are - and who we become. To a large extent, they determine whether we live well, the quality of our relationships, and even our connection with God and the Universe. Powerful forces, they are not to be reckoned with lightly.

Beliefs: closely held values accepted as facts and validated by observation, are the essential component in lifestyle change. It is hard to look in the mirror while weighing 250 pounds and have faith that "this time" I will be successful, when in fact, all previous attempts merely ended as failure, leaving me weighing more now than I ever have previously. If I do not believe, it matters not how many experts tell me to eat less and be more active. In my mind, I know I will not succeed and will therefore see failure, not setbacks; defeat, not delay. I will quit.

I was not born believing that I would always be fat; that took time to develop. As a child, my parents, concerned about my size, stressed its dangers. Doctors put me on thousand-calorie diets with purple-ink mimeographs and lists of low calorie foods. My clothes came from the "husky" section. Boys teased me; girls avoided me. Each time I was impeded in my diet, internal voices screeched, "See, you can't change; it's impossible!" I stopped, further validating my beliefs.

Beliefs can and do change. What's counterintuitive is that process happens not by thinking big, but small. One's life is not constructed in years, rather via minutes and seconds. Small, almost unperceivable ticks of the clock come together to make me who I am, leaving behind who I was. It is almost imperceptibly slow, but is happening - even now.

When I no longer looked at 70 pounds - or even ten - as the validation of success, changes began. Instead of the "whole thing," I targeted five pounds, or three, sometimes even one. At times, success was getting through the next five minutes.

Each slight triumph - if focused upon - became an in-your-face defiance of the old guard, knocking down its structure, brick-by-brick, girder by ledger.

To adjust beliefs, concentrate on minor victories. They will get larger when given their due.

Whadya Want?

Part of a series on the mental and emotional adjustments required for long-term change

"People don't buy what they need, they buy what they want," so goes the age-old idiom used by sales trainers.

Some explanation is in order:

1. "Buy" is not merely an exchange of currency for a product; "buy" can also be "make a decision" as in "buy into an idea." From such "mental purchases," actions result.
2. We are not irrational; although "buying" begins emotionally, we back it with logic before finalizing the deal.

In other words, I might really, really, really want a bright red sporty convertible (can you say "mid life crisis?") but I then analyze my finances, examine my needs, and decide not to buy. However, if I don't "want" it first, I will not even weigh the options, so no purchase is possible.

Again: We buy what we want more than what we need; we back it with logic.

More germane to resolutions and habit change, I NEEDED to lose weight for years, yet it wasn't until my 39th birthday when I found myself eating leftover frosting from the pink cake box I had placed in the garbage, that I decided to actually do something.

Moreover, it was not that I even wanted to lose weight; in that moment all I wanted was to stop despising myself. I wanted control. I wanted to feel better. At that instant, I would do virtually anything to make the pain stop. Born from that strong emotional state, I only then analyzed my options and alternatives - and moved forward.

Change is generated by fear, force, or pain - not happiness. If life were idyllic with butterflies, flowers, and sunshine greeting each morning, why would anyone want to change? However, from the fire of ache, desires arise; the paradox being that once that hurt starts to recede (or the reality of the effort sets in) I no longer WANT to do the work as it appears laborious, tedious, and non-productive. I revert to familiar easier habits, figuring "there's always tomorrow." Therein lies the seed of every broken resolution.

To break that cycle, one must focus on what is GAINED from the effort, not what is sacrificed. Weight loss is NOT about abandoning favorite foods; it's about feeling in control. It is NOT about grunting and panting through an exercise program, it's about enjoying freedom of movement. Each is true, one we WANT - and move toward it; the other we don't - we steer away.

To make change permanent, it is imperative that we focus on its benefits. It's still a long road but a more productive, positive, and exciting path.

Thoughtful beginnings

If you were awake at 12:01AM January 2nd, you heard it. That giant CLUNK was the sound of the national psyche slamming over from "How much can I eat?" to "How quickly can I lose weight?" It happens every year at this time. Equally without fail is the inundation of advertisements, TV programs - and yes, columnists - who provide astute coaching on how to lose "those extra pounds" and get in shape. Warmed-over, threadbare, time-and-again guidance is ladled out in generous proportion each January, as reliably as winter rains. Chefs explain lower-fat meal preparation. Size zero models adorned in $500 leotards and $2000 running shoes champion their personal workout plans. Equally ubiquitous, snake oil infomercials attempt to pry consumer from wallet with assurances of medication and machines that "melt weight off without effort."

Been there, heard that. Over and over and over and over again...

I still weighed 250 pounds.

We know how to lose weight (eat less, be more active); it need not be belabored ad nausea. What blocks our progress is we just plain don't want to do it!

Yes, we desire good health. Yes, we like it when we look attractive. No, we are not fond of the stuffed-to-the-gills-can't-budge gastric distress following a binge of belly-busting burgers dripping with cheese and wrapped in pigful of bacon. The hitch in the get-along is that dieting takes forever; requires excessive, unending, Herculean, effort; and feels like it never succeeds. Why embark upon a laborious, frustrating voyage with defeat at its termination?

As said in college, "Flunk now, avoid the June rush."

When I started these weekly missives a few years back, I promised myself, the editors - and most important: YOU - that I would not dwell on "carbs, calories, and calisthenics;" that's everywhere already and we're not listening. Yes, nutrition and activity are essential to success, but what is lacking in the public dialogue is a conversation about the feelings, beliefs, and thoughts required for change.

We are not "food zombies," in control one moment, consuming uncountable calories the next, without some intervening thought process. In that illogical flash, I consider alternatives, rise from the couch, head to the kitchen, figure out what foods will comfort me - and only THEN do I drain the cabinets. I KNOW it's not healthy but this is not about smart, this is about feelings.

For the next few weeks, I'm doing a series: What goes into the heart and brain before whatever goes down the mouth and stomach. I.e. why do we do what we do when we know we won't like ourselves later? Whether you're trying to lose weight, stop smoking, or just change your attitude, I hope you enjoy.

Besides, at least for the time it takes to read 500 words, you won't be eating. And that's as good a start as any.