Thursday, April 06, 2006

The next hit TV show

The siren call of fame and fortune beckon from Southern California. I am convinced that a Hollywood mogul soon will bathe me in riches and adulation to serve as executive producer of my new reality TV series targeted at those of us forever fighting a growing midsection. Love ya baby. Have your people call mine and we’ll do lunch. Well, maybe we’ll do salad.

The theme? “Outgrow – Outweigh – Outwit.”

Here’s the treatment. We all know that the more time pants hang in the far reaches of the closet, the increased likelihood they will be too small when we try them on at a later date. Those extra few nibbles from our kid’s plate, grocery store samples, and late night snacks, are completely unrelated to our trousers increased tightness. Therefore, it stands to reason that NOT wearing an article of clothing over a long period makes it shrink. Examine the garment label; I’m sure it’s in the fine print.

So, work with me here. Based on that concept, I see a human drama occurring each morning while the internal debate of what to wear rages. Instead of eating bugs or jumping from buildings - with heart pounding in our ears - we enter the most fearsome part of the closet; that dark, dank, dusty section where outfits we will “get back into one of these days” hang sadly forgotten. Using jumpy, grainy, hand-held, cinema-verity techniques, our POV is a plentiful plethora of peacoats and paisley pants. Tension escalates and drums pound as the contestant MUST wear the VERY FIRST pair of slacks he touches! Excuses are barred; explanations such as “last night’s dinner was a special celebration” carry no water with the waistline referee. One will be voted out of the closet for comments such as, “I’ll wait until I lose a few pounds before I try this one” or “that’s odd, they fit last week.”

With any challenge, there must be rules. Holding in your stomach to tighten the belt: acceptable. Lying on the bed to fasten the zipper: you’re fired!

Oh wait, I haven’t even told you about the part where they eat the disgusting foods. How about lettuce without salad dressing for a starter?

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