The World's Greatest Newest Super Amazing Diet!

"I lost 18 pounds my first 24 hours while still enjoying chocolate, French fries, and beer! The best thing is it's been a whole day and I haven't gained back a pound!"

Hard to believe, isn't it? Like millions of women, Zelda Smith, always fought the battle of the bulge.

"Since I was young, I was chubby. Other kids made fun of me, teasing me and embarrassing me on the playground. As an adult, it only got worse."

"It didn't matter what I did, weight just kept piling on. I tried everything, switching to low-fat foods, watching what I ate; I even stopped using chocolate syrup as salad dressing. At meals, I tried limiting myself to only what could fit on one plate, never going back for seconds. My sister - who's never been supportive - scoffed. She said, 'Zelda, if you're going to do the one-plate thing, I don't think you should use a platter. It defeats the purpose.' Do you see what I've had to put up with?"

"But I didn't let her deter me; I was determined! So I adjusted my lifestyle. I went to the gym; I even got out of my car and went inside once. At home I exercised regularly - ten minutes once a month, just like clockwork. I found other ways to increase my activity. I started walking to the mailbox instead of driving; my husband really appreciated that because he found it hard to get in the front door when I left the car parked on the porch. Sometimes, when I was really inspired, I even put down the remote control and walked all the way over to the TV to shut it off. It's not easy to change your life, but when something's worth it, you sacrifice."

"Still, I was frustrated by the lack of results. So I went to one of those weight loss support groups. I thought I was going to die the first time I walked in the meeting, listening to that skinny young thing talk about how she lost weight by using some silly fad diet involving eating right and exercising. I thought, 'No way this will work!' But, I took the materials home and bought a food scale and put them right over there - in that drawer - where they've been for six months. You would think after that long, I would have lost something, wouldn't you? See, nothing works."

"Then, I discovered the new Placebo Sham Diet with miracle additive Cleanyouout! Wow! I take one pill every hour with a cup of castor oil, six raw eggs, and their patented ingredient, "laxital," and - Voila! - the weight just drops off you. Of course, it helps to be near the restroom when it takes effect, but 18 hours a day in the bathroom is a small price to pay for a size five body. Someday soon, I'm hoping to get out of here and show it to everyone!"