Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Pixie Dust Diet

Those sparkling, glittering, glowing flecks I have scattered on you cause no harm; do not be alarmed. It is pixie dust from whence great magic comes.

Immediately great wealth beyond all expectation will befall you! Vary not your customary routine; dollars will gravitate to you. Strangers will bestow upon you copious quantities of currency. A gold vein will be unearthed in your backyard. Congress will declare a new tax with all proceeds delivered to an account of your choosing.

That is merely the beginning.

Not only will these gleaming granules of glorious glitter augment your bottom line, they impart supernatural powers. While holding a few flecks, click together your heels three times, spin twice to the east, sing passionately your favorite show tune, and you will become as the breeze and elevate weightlessly into the sky, able to fly with the birds along the tops of redwoods.

These minuscule specks also possess extraordinary healing power. You will live countless years in perfect health. Nothing unpleasant will befall you; disease is non-existent, accidents a concern of the past.

Live boldly. Live large; for you have been infused with the powder of pixies.

I detect cynicism; how can you doubt? We are exposed to countless similar claims of buffoonery proclaiming equally implausible benefits, all wrapped in the blanket of the "latest secret of weight loss". Why do we believe those, yet scoff at equally implausible payback of pixie powder?

One supplement on line proclaims, "a total body makeover pill for women of all ages," and professes to suppress appetite, enlarge breast tissue, and super charge your sex drive. (Who would have known that bust size is related to weight loss?) I'm sure this miracle of modern medicine even cleans the house, helps students with calculus, and solves geopolitical struggles in the Middle East on weekends. Such claims are similarly believable.

Another product is cloaked in ancient mysteries, declaring to reveal "The Secret" from ancient scrolls containing "many little-known health and weight loss secrets, including a fountain of youth-like philosophy called 'lean-gevity.'" Should we mere mortals have a chance to peruse these scrolls, they probably read, "eat less, move more, and focus on long-term change." However, such details are omitted from the on-line marketing materials - must be an oversight. No worry however; for merely $79, one can share the enlightenment. I cannot get my credit card at the ready quickly enough.

I so often wish I could pop a pill, read a scroll, or swallow a concoction that would magically change the traits I do not like about myself. Alas, I do live in reality; no products will ever accomplish those goals. However, achieving results through self-control, determination, and healthy choices is a magical feeling.

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