I know many things

I have amassed great knowledge on many subjects.

I learned not to run with scissors while attending Botsford Elementary. At UCLA, I was infused with wisdom from the writings of Voltaire and Shakespeare. My time at the College of Hard Knocks has made me woefully aware that not everyone is as he appears.

I can recite the Gettysburg address, or at least the famous sections. My technological skills allow me to understand computers (and because I am snobby in such matters, I prefer Macintosh). I am admittedly unclear as to whether there are six or seven continents as I am unsure whether it's "Europe and Asia," or "Eurasia." Yet, I am knowledgeable enough to realize that on a grand scale, it matters little. Although, being worldly, I am aware that if I were a citizen of Europe and Asia, it would concern me more.

I can say "hello" in five languages - six if Pig Latin is included.

I understand relationships, and how "one attracts more flies with sugar than with vinegar" (although I am unclear why I would wish to attract flies).

My curiosity about other beliefs is unbounded, as I know it is arrogance to assume that my beliefs are the "correct" ones. I have ascertained that those who claim "complete knowledge" obviously do not possess it.

I know to listen intently, not to interrupt, and never, ever, respond to the question, "Does this make my butt look big?" Experience is a cruel instructor.

Because I speak with enthusiasm, have gray hair, wear glasses, and can rub my goatee in a distinguished manner while pondering great thoughts, others seek my knowledge on topics of mind and body. Being wise, I recognize that "pondering" makes one seem more intelligent than "talking."

When questioned, "How do I lose weight?" I pontificate (post pondering), "Eat a little less than you want, walk a little more than you would, wait a moment longer than you think you can. Focus on today. Take small steps."

"Now we know!" they proclaim, overflowing with the joy of understanding and healing, lives now improved from my astute counsel.

Seeking knowledge - and knowing what to do with it - is actually quite simple, especially when instructing others. Putting it into practice on myself is something I still must learn.