A dieter's dictionary

Every group has its own language, including dieters. In the interest of better communication with the thin, I have compiled several terms and expressions used by those of us working to achieve such status so that we may all speak the same language.

BATHROOM:
(1) a.k.a. “weight reduction cubicle”; private location to relieve oneself of extra poundage before weigh-in.
(2) Location of SCALE where dieters repeatedly pay homage, sometimes before and after visiting BATHROOM.

CALORIES:
Invisible units with enormous power to influence size - and therefore mood - of dieters (also CARBS and FAT GRAMS) Calories have unique mathematical ability to be undercounted no matter how diligent a dieter strives for accuracy.

DIET:
Four-letter word derived from “die” (ironic because being on a DIET can generate thought “I’d rather DIE than eat like this another day.”)

EMOTIONAL EATING:
Is there any other kind?

EXERCISE:
Dreaded - often avoided - activities involving sweating, panting and bouts of hyperbole. Example: “I ran a mile.” Actual: “I walked to the mailbox.”

FAT:
(adjective) The “F-word” (not to be used in polite company) to be replaced with “full-figured” or “big boned”

(noun) apparently intelligent form of cellular structures capable of outwitting dieters’ attempts to eliminate them

FAT FREE:
(e.g. “fat free” cheese) a food-like substance that is rubbery, chewy, and low in taste yet consumed in unnatural amounts by dieters

FOOD COP:
Person who watches everything eaten and interrogates dieter i.e. “Should you be eating that?” Appropriate response: “Don’t you have you own life?”

GUILT:
Motivating reason to eat to excess (see also STRESS, ANGER, BOREDOM, HAPPINESS, FRUSTRATION…)

HUNGER:
Theoretical physiological state; rarely experienced but more prevalent in presence of French Fries or fresh, warm, donuts

I’LL JUST HAVE ONE BITE:
Last statement made prior to three weeks of self-induced weight gains

NO THANK YOU, I’M FULL:
No such expression

PETITE:
Size not found in nature (see also “sizes one through six”)

PORTION:
One unit of food, varies by nutrient - i.e. one portion of vegetables is a tablespoon. One portion of chips is a family size bag.

SCALE:
*^$#*Y#$#@! (Need I say more?)

TOMORROW:
Appropriate date to begin dieting (synonyms: “Next Monday”, “January 1st”, and “when things settle down”)

WILLPOWER:
Fleeting state of consciousness, usually occurring when clothes are too tight but dissipating quickly in presence of celebrations or chocolate